I honestly don't know how I can llok at you when I feel this conflicted. It's not easy, loving you. If that's what I feel. At first I thought I was sure, sure that I genuinley loved you. Bit now I am beginning to think it was a strong sense of affection. I want to believe that I love you. Now. I am not sure.

I cry randomly because I am unhappy. Unhappy. Unhappy in our state, the state we have dug ourselves in and unhappy that you walk through it all so ignorantly. You don't seem to see it do you? I can contest that this last month Ihas been extremely hard because I don't seem to be enjoying my time with you. I see faults, I see blinding anger and I see myself letting these feelings go because I make exceptions for you. For me. For us.

I find that it should not be this difficult. It shouldn't be this hard to talk to you. It shouldn't be difficult to express how I feel --but it is. Because you don't

3rd year has rolled in and I am back!

The years are flying by, 1st year seemed like yesterday but at the same time an eternity ago. So summer is over...and I can't be any happier. Costco is one hell of a place to work in -literally. It's hell. Never again will I set foot there again.

My shows are back on! Gossip Girl season 2, One Tree Hill (although not so great) and ER! Ray is making an appearance! I miss him on ER. SYTYCD Canada has began, not as great and Leah Miller is NO Cat Deeley.

Class is interesting. I kind of like them. But I eventually lost interest in Academics early in High School. I guess I found other things more important.

As I am officially unemployed this summer and am desperately trying to find a job, I am currently on LJ brushing up on my drab wit and less than stellar sarcasm. Perhaps that may hook me up with a job, sweeettt.

Anyways I just finished reading Larry's post in regards to his search for an ultra-cool blogger who will cover the MTV movie awards! Um? Hello? I'm right here! Imagine how awesome that would be? I'd get to go the award show, LIVE, meet my potential husbands *cough* Zac Effron *cough*, and then just BLOG about it. Provisions? I have to be a US citizen? WTF man, WTF! I live three hours away from the border! Can't they just disregard the fact that I am Canadian? C'mon.

But yes, I think I am slowly building an epiphany. A career where I can talk, state and post my opinions and generate a dicussion? I wanna be Oprah? Wooaaahhh, that's deep dude. Way deep. Career in radio? I just wanna talk, talk, talk by day away. I'm beginning to think Radio is where I need to be...now where to start?

I don't understand the sudden the outrage and tears from some of these fans. Yes, the person who leaked the info will face the ramifications and did something she wasn't suppose to. She doesn't need an angry mob after her --she already made her choice so everyone should leave her alone.

The Twilight Lexicon had no business to stir up commotion. It was like having juicy gossip, reporting it, create the hype, but then getting away looking like a saint. If it wasn't for the Lexicon I wouldn't have know about the leak and went off to search for it on my own. By posting such a needless post they just got others riled up and angry. It's funny what media can do to people, Lexicon wanted people to be angry so viola....they did. Quite impressive actually.

Also, I love all the hypocrisy going on with these self-righteous rants about stealing or getting information illegally. Pleaasseeee *rolls eyes*. I bet 99% of online users acquired something online illegally. Downloaded through Bitorrent or p2p such as Limewire or Kazaa? Watched a Youtube video with ripped clips? Watched a MTV video post on youtube when we know the copyright is only for the US? What about fanvideos or fanmade trailers? I don't believe the makers asked or were granted permission to use the artist's music. All I'm saying is that everyone's is bashing this girl who took something from Summit yet we "steal" or participate is the swapping of illegal goods ALL the time. The only difference is that the one who leaked the info did something riskier, bolder and more stupid.

I looked at the transcript and looked at the photos. Wow, 4 screencaps and a transcript of a TEASER...jeez, its not even the actual trailer. People need to be aware that they can't always fall into the hype of media. 

So I was on the Twilight Lexicon and read that the Twilight movie website has some goodies to be found as they are revamping and adding things to the site. I found an image of Kristen and Robert TOGETHER, a branch and the Twilight title (draft). The link to the site no longer works but I was quick enough to save the image of our Bella and Edward! The first one is the original. The 2nd and 3rd picture was edited by me on Photoshop CS2.



News from Twilight Lexicon: http://www.twilightlexiconblog.com/
Link: http://twilightthemovie.com/greetingsfromtwilight/index.php

Okay, so the days are dwindling until summer vacation. I need to finish a group assignment, writing projects, photo final and print final. OH and EXAMS! Lets not forget student checkouts, packing and more garbage to deal with UGH. I just want to sleep.

So I need to stay on top of things and purchase a daily planner for next school year. That may help -that way I can factor in meals cuz I am also on a diet. Well -not diet (KD isnt really cut out for diets) just trying to eat better. Celery, hummus, grapes --Kd >.<...

And then there's working out. But you see, I'm a huge time waster --I thrive on wasting time and rushing last minute. So not cool. But tonight I'm going to sleep early and wake up ON TIME for class and take the world on.

What needs to be done...

1. Print Final
2. Photo Final
3. CCT206 AGS Memo
4. WRI203 stories
5. VCC exam
6. CCT exam
7.  4    2 Days of checkouts

GAHHHHHHH I'm so tireedd!

I need to stop posting Twilight related things. I'm now obsessed --gosh all I do is wait by my computer to see if any new on-the-set photos are uploaded. If I see a pic of Robert Pattinson walking towards the set I squeal! If I see Kristen Stewart listening to her ipod or talking to the Director I freak! I need to stop this insanity, maybe focus my energy elsewhere...

ANYWAYS! I got re-hired to be a don next year! Yayyyyy for me. I think in my final year I would like to live off campus and work elsewhere just to have the experience. I love RLS though and I love my Don job so I am totally psyched to be doing this again. I'm bummed that some of my students didnt get the job --I honestly felt they deserved it. What happened? Grrrr!

I'm working on my art assignment, I'm so lost as to what to do. I've been doodling but no set ideas. Why does art take up all my time ugh!

 
Note: The "dying" part means choosing to be a vampire which is technically "dead". As well, by choosing to stay with Edward she's choosing to die (remember when Edward said that her time was up the moment she stepped into the bio lab). Twilight was in essence about choices (as Stephenie Meyer outlined in her post) and Bella chose to face death and to die ....it doesn't mean she actually dies.
I know I didn't add the credits below, but I liked it without them. I thought It would be nice to have a change.

I've lately been very UNinspired to write.

My muse is gone, my passion for getting words on paper is lost. I'll look at a blank screen or a blank pad of paper and I can't seem to get the words out. I'm unsure as to why...it's bothering me.

Maybe I'm just bored with my life or there's really not anything going on. Kinda sucks. I also think I'm getting a case of carpel tunnel... which also sucks -__-  . I also have a vast number of unfinished stories that actually have potential. I just can't seem to finish them. It's quite aggravating that I'm just stuck. Maybe I should start doing standalone one-shots. If I can finish them then that would be awesome. Shows I can actually finish something.

I also need to learn how to type properly. I'm the type who uses the same 2 fingers to type. I love watching my friends type because they're a lot faster and far more efficient when typing. It's quite amazing. Write now I'm not even focusing on what I'm typing because I'm so focused on "technique". I wanna be a super duper fast ass typer who, one day, wont need to look at the keyboard...it's coming along.

Now what exactly did I write?

So I finally finished reading Stephenie Meyer's Twilight Series. I've read the first three and am patiently waiting for the fourth. Overall, the series were addictive. I just had to know what was going to happen! However, the last two books didn't quite measure up in terms of writing. Her antagonists are so one dimensional and 'effin boring  --Victoria was so pointless and bleh. She had no depth, hardly any dialogue and was boring to read.

BUT I still enjoyed reading the series. I was scared because I am such an Edward and Bella shipper that I didn't know how I was going to respond to Jacob due to stupid spoilers and threats online. After reading the last two I think  EVERYONE exaggerated wayyyyy to much and painted Jacob in a really wrong light. I love Jacob and although I'm still an Edward and Bella shipper ...I would not be upset if Bella ended up with Jacob. I really wouldn't.

Why? Because in some regard I agree with Bella. Jacob is her soul mate in this world. If mystic creatures didnt exist and the world just kept turning normally then Jacob was obviously the right choice. He's real with her as well, he doesn't hide how he feels and he doesn't sugar coat things like Edward. UGH, that was the one thing that kept pissing me off in the series with Edward. He always kept Bella in the dark and felt that he knew what's best for her. However, he is a very quick learner. Thats a pro on Edward's defense. When he screws up he knows not to do it again. In the end of Eclipse he even admits it:

"We’re doing this your way. Because my way doesn’t work. I call you stubborn, but look at what I’ve done. I’ve clung with such idiotic obstinacy to my idea of what’s best for you, though it’s only hurt you. Hurt you so deeply, time and time again. I don’t trust myself anymore. You can have happiness your way. My way is always wrong. So.” He shifted under me, squaring his shoulders. “We’re doing it your way..."

Edward is also very mature, but lets face it...what do you expect from a vampire that's over 100 years old? Anyways I'm rambling. Here's my 2 Cents on this whole Jacob/Bella scenario. Sam and Leah were deeply in love. I don't doubt that. But then there's Emily ...that's beyond love, that's beyond reason. That's just them. There's no sense, so rational, just them. I believe its like that with Edward and Bella. That''s not just love, they're each other's life. Its like Edward was imprinted to Bella and there's no comparison. However, Jacob is like Leah in this position. No matter how much Jacob and Bella love each other there's no point --Edward is Bella's everything now. No matter how hard she tries to fight it. Jacob makes sense, is the right option but like the she said ...there's no sense in this matter.

“The worst part . . .” I hesitated, and then let words spill out in a flood of truth. “The worst part is that I saw the whole thing — our whole life. And I want it bad, Jake, I want it all. I want to stay right here and never move. I want to love you and make you happy. And I can’t, and it’s killing me. It’s like Sam and Emily, Jake — I never had a choice. I always knew nothing would change. Maybe that’s why I was fighting against you so hard.”

I'm glad Meyer threw Sam/Emily/Leah in the mix, it made understanding Jacob/Bella/Edward's scenario easier. People are pissed that Bella compared Edward to a drug, but that's what he is. She loves them both, but its that extra factor, that drug like factor thats making her choose Edward. If he wasn't like a drug she would never choose because both Edward and Jacob are important to her.

Lets also face Bella's humanity. Once she becomes a vampire, she will never have kids, she will never have the things Rosalie wanted. She'll only have Edward and for her that's all she needs but it still wont be a full life. When I reading Rosalie's story I was thinking, "What about Emmett?" She still got him and if she wasn't a vampire she wouldn't have him in her life. But then I realized, thats exactly what Meyer's getting at. ...she knows what shes doing and she's setting the audience up. Jacob is humanity, the side Bella will never get back. Edward is equivalent to Emmett ....the only thing that will be left. By loving Jacob she can see even more of what she's loosing and it just breaks my heart because her bond with Edward is so much greater.

"For the first time, giving up being human felt like a true sacrifice. Like it might be too much to lose."

I'm not sure if what I'm writing makes sense. But I understand the whole triangle. I can't hate Jacob. And I hope Jacob finds his true mate. Keep in mind Jacob has yet to find his real "mate". If it was Bella we'd know ...and its not Bella. I think he knows that too, it doesn't make it any easier though. Bella truly belongs to Edward because that's just how it is, that's just them, that's just nature. But I truly believe she can love Jacob, love Jacob like how Sam loved Leah. Makes no sense ...but thats love. Nothing makes sense.

So I was reading a story on fanfiction.net and it inspired me to write a story. A sexy, sultry story based on a relationship that just cant happen.

Sarah LeMeire is a devout religious Christian who attend an a private Catholic school living in Rhode Isalnd. She's in her senior year and wants to become a kindergarten techer. When she was 8 she had her first crush, Chris West --her next door neighbor who was in the tenth grade.

He moves away to go to college eventually and she almost forgets about him. Nine years pass and she suddenly gets a new Bio teacher becase her teacher dislocated her hip. Lo and behold his name is Mr. West.

Mr. West is in fact Chris West, the same badass teen neighbour she oogled almost 10 years ago. He's now a science teacher and he is working at her school as her teacher! Sarah is very shocked. He is by far the hottest man ever and he is better looking then she last remembered him. Keep in ming she is a big goody goody so she sttracted to him because he represented eveything that was "bad". He came home late, didnt pray, was always with different girls and yadadad. Now he's her teacher -making him more bad for her.

Chris doesnt remmebered her --at all. He remembers his neighbours but it was so long ago and he was there for only two yeas once he left for college. Anyways he's runnign a science tutorial session for anyone who doesnt get it and he asks Sarah if he can be one of the students to help teach biology since she is the one witht he highest mark in the class. she agrees and it is evendient she is highly attracted to him.

I don't know how Chris is going to notice her, she's a good girl who doesn't really stand out. She's not openly flirtatious or downright sexy (although she is very beautiful) so I'm thinking she gets caught up with some people and they pressure her into going to a bar or sneaking out. Thats when she gets all done up and they head out with fake IDs. Maybe some girl form the school calls her the Virgin Mary or something and that upsets her. Not really sure as to where I am going with this.

Or Chris' father stops by the tuorial session to see his new found job since he's satying in town for a while. He makes small chat with Sarah and realizes that she and her family used ot be their neighbours (the adults did most of the conversing). He invited her and her family out to dinner with them because it has been so long but she really doesn want to and Chris however doesn't cae both ways. He then sayd it may be uncomfortable now he's the teacher but his father is rather pushy. Maybe he'lll notice her at dinner hmmmm.

I'm currently in my English Narrative lecture, bored to death. We got this idiotic moron who asks the stupidest questions and always, always tries to argue with out Prof. Just wanna smack him upside the head and to tell him to shut the eff up! He even argues about his mark --during the lecture. Umm, the Prof has officer hours for that, dont waste our time in class listening to you argue your stupid mistake on the midterm. Loser.

Anyways found out last friday that I'M becoming a DON! Woow woot. I'm going to be a resident Don next year and I'm psycheddddd. So ready to do this, so determined. I thought I would want this but I'm doing it. Me. A DON? Woahhhhh.

Linkin Park's album is coming out MAY 14 2007.

My bestfriends have assholes for boyfriends.

I just went through a 3 hour long convo with my friend about how her ex-boyfriend decided to cut her out completely.
Done. Cut. Said that he did not want anything to do with her.

He deserves a castration. How can anyone be that cruel and once again its on his terms. When they first broke up he ended it through a text message. If you wanna end a relationship be a man about it. This time he decided to cut her out through MSN. I dont think this guy undertstands the term consideration because he is a selfish self-absorbed prick with no soul. He even had the audacity to BLAME her and said it was her fault and that SHE was being rude and selfish. *blinks* . SHE'S the one doing all the work in the relationship and he chooses to play the victim? ARGHHHHH!

He's not answering her calls or bother to message her, he even deleted her on facebook >.< he needs a swift kick in the behind because all he did was blame her and then cut her out of his life. She's a wreck and he wont even explain to her what happened. At least give her an explanatioin dammit!

If I were her I would say this in one long angry e-mail:

Dear *insert asshole's name*:

I can understand that you want nothing to do with me and that you do not want a relationship but never in my life would I expect you to reach an ultimate new low. You break up with with me because you wanted space and felt that you couldn't give me what I wanted. Fine. I dealt with that. But when I was moving on you come back in MY life and tell me you've made a mistake. You then say you love me? And here I was thinking you meant it. Here I was being an idiot and thought you wanted a relationship.

Thank god I didnt go back into that because you, suddenly, are jealous of my friends? You say that its either you or my friends BUT of course you dont wanna play the bad guy so you end it with me again saying that you''re trying to do whats best. AND then you called me days later and we, for once, have a great converstation. But apparently that wasnt case because the next day you told me you dont want anything to do with me and that I'm selfish and rude. I guess it really does take one to know one because ending a frienship that you initiated through MSN really is saint-like eh?

I just want to ask what happened? Because accussing my of  being a bitch with no reasons is really quite hard for me to understand. You called me names and you said a lot of hurtful things but the least you can do is explain why? What did I supposedly do to make you angry? I for one made th mistake of saying sorry but then I relaized I have no idea what I'm apologizing for. You're reasons to be an ass is completey sudden and I have no idea whats gotten into you but lets make this clear. I refuse to let you have the last word without YOU listenign to what I have to say because you NEVER gave me that option.

You hurt me. Your words killed me and you don't seem to understand that. I know when you say things you dont mean but this time you're really serious. You honestly think I did soemthing wrong ...why? I don't know because you never told me. I hate how you can effect me like this and I hate how I still care but I did nothing to deserve what you said. You've always be the selfish one and you never were one to compromise and I know that now. You're right. This "us" wont work because I wont bend over backward for you like a little lost puppy --isnt that what you want? Someone to serve and drool over your shoes? But you know whats sad, I really was turning into your pet. I gave up a lot for you and I worked for US but you didn't. I hate how I compromised so much of myself for you nd you dont even appreciate or noticed what I gave up.

If you wake up and realize you made yet another mistake ....don't come to me. I do not want to here your sob story and I dont want to be a girl you can use and abuse. I'm through with being your lap-dog and I'm done feeling guilty as if I did something wrong. I can't take this and I hope you know what you're doing because I want to let you know that I didn't loose you --you lost me. If this is really over then I expect the same from you. Do not call me. Do not message me.I have nothing left with you. You ended it and I can accept that. BUt I refuse to let you back in. I hope you undertsand what you got yourself in because there's no turning back know.


SEEE thats what I would say to him! If I were her I'd tell him off and walk away because you cant just do that to somone!